"Don't be sorry, just don't let it happen again." Making friends with the medical staff at Ntcheu District Hospital.

A few times in my life I have been a patient (once here), for 8 years I haven been the nurse or nurse's aid, but this is the first time I have acted as a patient's friend/family member. I have previously spoken about Rabekah my neighbor who is HIV positive. I have grown close to her and her family. Because her husband left her, she came with her children to live with her parents (my neighbors) about a months ago. From when I first met her I suspected her ARVs were not working, she told me she does not feel right in her mind, and I noticed she was incredibly weak. I paid for a bicycle to come take her to Bilia clinic, here it was decided, yes she may need to be on a different formula of ARVs. So she was referred to Ntcheu District Hospital.

At Ntcheu District Hospital they have the ability to test CD4 count (amount of immunity the person has) if that is low, they will then test viral load (amount of HIV virus in the person's body), if this is high they will consider changing the formula. When they came back from Ntcheu I was told that did not do any testing, the medical personnel said, "All of your friends (Meaning others with HIV, it annoys me that when in a certain demographic you are considered "friends." Every white person they have known is my "friend," I always have to say, I have no idea who that person is.) are fine, you need to eat more and go to church." Yes, I also thought she has had problems with isolation and depression, but I was not convinced that is her main issue. They have phased out a formula of ARVs last year, this was the one Rabekah was on. Since September 2013 she has been on a different formula, that is when she reported to begin having weakness and other symptoms of treatment failure.

About a week after going to Ntcheu, she became very ill. She had gotten Malaria. She was transferred from Bilia to Ntcheu. When I saw her at Bilia she was still alert and orientated, my presence even made her smile. I then went to Blantyre for a few days and had not been in touch with the family. I saw her father on the road, I asked about her, he said he had a bit of improvement at first but now is worse. I said ok, let me go home, put my stuff away and I will be over. I was not expecting to find her in the state that she was in. She was lying on the floor under a massive blanket, after greeting the approximately 10 people in the room gathered around her. I went to greet Rabekah. Her eyes were glazed over and she did not even look at me. During the time I was there she was restless, rolling back and forth and moaning. I told her father this is serious and we have to go as soon as possible. Because she is unable to sit on the back of a bike we had to arrange a car to come. I said I was going to run home, shower, and eat in case we needed to go that night. After seeing her health passport (book they write medical info in) from the last visit where they did nothing, I was not letting her go alone. The car was unable to come that night so we decided first thing in the morning would be fine, there were really no other options.

The next morning I woke up at six (late!!). I knew the truck had to be there already, I think it driving past the house is what woke me up (moving back to KC might be a little rough at first). I threw on clothes, packed a bag, and was out the door in ten minutes. I threw my bag in the back of the truck while all of my little friends stood on the porch cheering. Seeing me and a car first thing in the morning is just too much to handle. We got Rabekah from the house into the car (It has been about five years since I have had to transfer an adult, thank you nursing home for giving me enough transfers in my few years to last a lifetime!) Maxford (her dad) said I should sit in the front, I said oh no, I am fine and jut happy to have a ride. After falling off the side into a grandmother sitting in the truck bed (I apologized profusely and everyone just laughed and laughed. I am glad I did not hurt her!) I realized it is bumpy and the floor is best. I called the medical assistant at the clinic and told him to prepare for our arrival. When we got to the clinic, we got her out of the truck and got to work. I checked malaria-negative, put in an IV and started fluids, and  the medical assistant started pushing glucose (I will always hate that they do this without a machine to test blood sugar!). Then I tried to get a blood pressure, she has bery weak pulses and I was not surprised that I could not get a blood pressure. The medical assistant gave antibiotics for a possible infection and I just waited, there was nothing else I could do. He said the ambulance would come to take us that morning. He was recording the data in her health passport when he asked, "What was her blood pressure." Me, "I could not get one." Him, 'Oh well I am sure it was fine." I can only imagine the look I gave him, I have been told more than once recently that I come off as a bitch (Of course by guys that think I am not approachable. No I really don't wish to talk to you, but you are more than welcome to send me drinks from across the bar.). Sorry I am not good at hiding my true feelings. I tried very nicely to explain to him about signs and symptoms of a patient in shock, I am no expert, but come on some of this is just basic knowledge for a medical person. I retook the BP and got 70/30. He said, "70/30?!" I said, "It is an improvement from no blood pressure, which is what she just had." He went home to get ready for his day's work. I sat and waited for the ambulance to arrive. When it came I did not expect everyone and their mother to be getting in, I was told only one other patient was being referred. Where the hell did all of the people even come from?! I went out and kicked everyone out so we could take Rabekah and lie her in the back. Once she was in the vehicle, I stood back and I swear people had to have been stacked on top of her. This time I requested to ride in the front.

When arriving to the hospital we went to see the clinical officers, I have recently been informed there are only two doctors in the hospital and they are both in administrative roles (yes, that makes sense). I knew we did not have long with them, so I just laid out the situation and what I wanted. I have learned in the country they hate confrontation, it is not really in their culture (unless you are a drunk man). Usually when I get confrontational they just five me what I want to shut me up. They agreed to admit her, run fluids, check blood for infection and CD4 count. They told me if the CD4 count is low they will then send a viral load sample off. All of these things sounded good to me. We got to the ward, which is familiar to me, it is where I stayed back in November when I became ill. They assigned her a bed, drew labs, took vitals (Bp now 90/60, improvement!). Then the team of clinical officers came around. The main guy kept speaking in Chichewa and was not involving me even when I said, "Sorry my Chichewa is not good, when you are finished can you please tell me in English?" Finally I got fed up and went through my spiel with him. Oh sorry for asking question and demanding to know the plan. I would love to send these medical people back to 2 Henson for a day, when we do our job we get threatened and screamed at. I have not even raised my voice! So the plan had not really changed, we were waiting on blood results, I was told the CD4 count could take a couple of days. I stayed until two in the afternoon, made sure her fluids were changed when the bag was low, brushed her teeth (I tend to be a freak about oral care on patients, I always think when I am unable to care for myself, you should shoot me. If you won't do that as least brush my damn teeth.), changed her bed and clothes. I have been getting quite the looks in the ward as I sit next to a very sick Malawian HIV patient's bed and perform the care of a guardian. Nurses do not even do these things here. A guardian must be with every patient at all times. Guardians must also bring the following to the hospital, bedding, towels, soap, dishes, and anything else needed. Needless to say, it is all very different from home.

Yesterday when I came back to the hospital I wanted to see CD4 count and make sure she was being cared for and in a stable condition. I walked with her sister who was bringing firewood. We stopped to pick up a friend. Two and a half hours later we were at the road to catch a bus. It normally takes me one and a half hours to walk to that road, and I do not know the short cuts! Nothing with Malawians goes quickly. When arriving to the hospital I immediately saw her IV fluid bag was dry. I went to tell somebody, I also told them I was angry because this patient came to the hospital in shock and critical, she needs fluids. He said yes, he would find out. I waited 15 minutes, they rolled the drug cart by and did not stop. Yeah, my blood was boiling. I went to the cart where three nurses stood. I said, "Did you get IV fluids? It is completely unacceptable that a patient who came in, in shock does not have fluids going since yesterday! This is just poor nursing care!" Like I said confrontation is their least favorite. I was brought fluids pretty quickly. The poor guy said, "I'm sorry." My response, "Don't be sorry, just don't let it happen again." Immediately after I said it, I thought where did that come from? I sound like somebody's bitchy mom. I do not wish to be rude and demanding, but it is necessary if I want her to get better and be cared for.

Today when I came, of course I was told that her fluids had not been running since last night and her IV had fallen out. I was pleased to hear that she was eating a bit of liquid food when spooned into her mouth and she did a great job swallowing her meds. I knew the clinical officers would be rounding again today, that is one of the main reasons I came. When I walked in, I was told visiting hours were over. I just said, oh sorry and kept walking. I have no idea why people think I am bitch. Also when the clinical officers were rounding I believe they said, everyone who is not sick go outside. Well I pretended to not know any Chichewa and stayed put. I had already told the nurses about her IV and fluids, of course nothing had been done. I was glad the clinical officer from Wednesday was not doing rounds on my side. He shot the other guy a look as to say, good luck with that one. Once again, so sorry for wanting decent care. This clinical officer was actually pretty great. I let him review her case before saying a word. I then told him I was upset about the fluid situation and I wanted to know her CD4 count results. He immediately started an IV and ran a 1 liter bolus, then sent a nurse to get the blood results from the lab. Her CD4 count was 280, this is extremely low, when a patient is first diagnosed with HIV if their CD4 count is below 500 they put them on ARVs. He suggested we switch her formula of ARVs (yes please!!), he did not really think a viral load was necessary since her CD4 is so low. He also wanted to do a spinal tap to rule out meningitis. He even took her blood pressure right then, it was 120/80, so she is very stable now. I was very pleased with him and thanked him a lot for taking the time and seeing her (see I can play nice). This afternoon I slowed the bolus way down because I did not want the bag to run dry and then run the tubing dry, when it was nearly gone I just clamped it. I figured a whole liter that fast with a stable blood pressure it was not a huge deal to get a new bag right away, I had also pushed enough for one day. One of the male nurses came by within an hour of me clamping the bag and said he would bring a new one. This is major progress!

During this experience I have learned such a sad truth. Patients do not get the care they need here. Yes supplies are limited, I almost freaked out when I learned they do not even have feeding tubes at this hospital, how much more basic of a piece of equipment can you get?? Maybe I will just have to make one. But even the simple things they do have, are not used to help people. I believe that most clinical officers and nurses look down on sick, poor, people and their families. I am sorry but just because you got an education and have a job it does not make you better than anybody, not start being a decent human and giving a shit about other humans. Nobody advocates for these sick people, they families are afraid to do so. They literally lie and die while nurses are washing windows. Yesterday morning a body was rolled out of the unit, I thought, was this a necessary death or poor management? It breaks my heart. Nobody in this world should be afraid to fight for proper medial care, or should they have to. I believe it is the job of everyone on the medical team. I especially take this role seriously as a nurse. If it is not in my patient's best interest, then no doctor, we are not doing it. Also do not tell me you can not order pain medication right now, I know you are not in an emergency, so you will do it right now. After telling off the nurses here, I hope the peds nurses are ready for when I start working with them. I think they will hate me within the first five minutes, I may have to buy their love with things. But maybe they will practice some better nursing care!

Goose news; thank you all for your concern! It means a lot to me. I was told that Goose was seen drinking water at the borehole near my house last week on Thursday. This made me feel a billion times better. At least nobody had her or had hurt her. When they tried to catch her to bring her home she ran away. I am hoping they are right and it was Goose, I am sure it was, nobody has ever brought me the wrong cat home before. I believe that she was in heat and went out to breed. I hope that she will come home soon, but something could have happened to her in the last week, who knows. I was woken up two nights ago by hyenas "barking" nearby. I hope she is smart and stays in trees at night and away from people. I have not offered a reward for her return, I can only picture a whole bunch of people hunting her down and breaking her legs just so they can catch her, I figure it is much easier to only tell the women at the boreholes that she is missing and to ask again if they have seen her. They all decided, oh she is just getting pregnant and will come home later. I hope they are right!

Also, I need more sponsors!! I only have three and I need 12. I do not want to be annoying and ask all of the time. But that time will come very soon. I need to make an adjustment to the payment amount. I have decided that the girls should only receive an allowance while in school, not during holidays, it will make it slightly cheaper for the first term. If you are interested in any way please, please contact me!

I better get back to the hospital and check that things are running smoothly. Maybe I will be nice and bring the nurses some oranges or something. They will probably think I have poisoned them. Then I should head home before too long, I have been getting home right at dark every night. It seems nearly impossible to get things done. Yesterday on my walk I accidentally peed in front of a group of boys, I checked the road for people, but did not think to look in front of me. I heard laughter and looked up, a couple hundred yards away there were two boys looking at me. I almost waved, but I just laughed and went on. Then I told some kids (half jokingly) when they asked me for money, "I will beat you." They started chanting "I will beat you! I will beat you!" There seriously is never a dull moment.

Blantyre

Too many kids in my bed.

The icing on a shit cake.

I have always been a lover of animals. My whole life we have had so many pets. In my adult life I have had Douglas, Rosie, and now Goose. If you have had one conversation with me you know about them, my animals are like children to me. They become one of the most important things in my life, I love and care so much about them. I think the almost three thousand dollars in meds and vet bills I spent on Douglas are pretty good proof of this. Living here, and not having a pet for so long was so hard for me. I spend so much time alone, and I knew having the company of an animal would make this much easier. I am a dog person, and have never been very attached to the cats I have had throughout my life. But I thought having a cat here would be much easier than having a dog, I would not have to worry about who would watch her when I leave or feel so guilty about leaving her for a few days. Cats are independent and can deal with it. I also did not anticipate that I would become so attached to the cat, I figured I would just leave her with somebody when I left. Well since about the second day I had Goose I realized I was wrong about how I would feel. She has the biggest personality and is just pretty darn funny. She is also very loving and rather attached to me. I have been shopping for cat airline carriers and doing my research on how to bring her home, it is safe to say I am attached to her also, this may be a slight understatement.

 Well, this week has been my hardest one so far. I feel worn down and isolated more than the usual amount. On Saturday I went to town to do my normal shopping, I locked Goose in the house because I do not trust people in the village with her anymore. I have seen her kicked so hard by a teen boy, that I was sure she was paralyzed when she came dragging herself home. I also believe one night a while back she was taken by somebody, she came home after about 13 hours and smelt just like the bags they have at the grocery, they smell weirdly like the country of India, so it is a very distinct smell. I was also told that one time somebody else was kicking her when she was traveling up the road. She has been wandering more and is still not afraid of people like she should be, this is my fault for showing her too much love and security. When I came home on Saturday she did not run out the door like usual, she greeted me and ate some of the meat off of the chicken bones I brought her. Then she wanted out, so I decided I would let her out while I went to take my bath. Once I heard what I thought was her meowing, so I yelled her name, I was suspicious that somebody picked her up to take her. Whatever the situation she came sprinting home when I yelled. So I went to take my bath, I found her in the tree next to the yard, she refused to come down. I figured in the tree she is at least safe and she probably hunts from them at night. She was there even at four thirty when I woke up that morning (I know it is insane to wake up this early, I am definitely developing a village lifestyle in some ways). She did not come in to eat or drink, I figured out of rebellion and knowing I would lock her up. Well that is the last time I have seen her. I have been sick with worrying what might have happened. I would be able to cope if a snake, hyena, or dog even got and killed her. But to think that she would be mistreated by a person, taken, or even killed is the most upsetting thing to think about. It has made me not trust the people I am not close with, I also do not trust and have begun hating men. The drinking in the village is out of control, they are drunk almost everyday by even ten in the morning. The drunk men can become aggressive and just assholes who feel they gain power from hurting anything they believe is below them, this list includes; women, children, and animals.

That is the other thing that has worn me down; people. Just within the past two weeks or so people are now asking me for things constantly, and when I say ask it is more like demanding that I give it. Children now yell, "Give me your money!" Sometimes in English and other times in Chichewa. I have been in this village for almost seven months, why is this happening now? Drunk men are becoming more forward and teetering on the line of being aggressive towards me. I am anxiously awaiting the day one goes to grab me so I can just beat the shit out of somebody and feel better. I did have a man walk up to me and try to take my chintenje off from around my waist, the response he got was, "Don't fucking touch me." as I slapped at his hand. When men come by or to my house and are obnoxiously drunk I make sure to tell to leave and they are not allowed to be at my house or talk to me while they are intoxicated. I am not afraid of them, they do not have the balls to do anything to me, I am sure they suspect they would be in much more trouble than if they hit a village woman, and little do they know I would surely not sit still and take it the way women do here. Even the other day when I asked the girls to go with me to the grocery, I decided to treat them and get them each a coke. This is something I never do! The girls even know not to expect or to ask for things from me. I give the girls their cokes and adult women came over and started very aggressively telling me (in chichewa) to buy them cokes because they were hungry and their stomachs hurt. Well I have been lying in my bed depressed for three days and have barely eaten, when you do not have food it shows. These women each had about 30 lbs on me and what the hell is a coke going to do for you anyway? I was so angry at their aggression and asking me for things, I yelled at them that they were rude and I just took the girls home where we could drink our cokes without being harassed.

I have also been seeing sick children at my house daily, often they come as early as five thirty. I do not mind seeing these children and I have tylenol and ibuprofen I can give them, but I am not a clinic. I will say that most mothers are very grateful even for the advice to go to the clinic or if I tell them their child is too sick and they need to go to the district hospital, I always give them transport money to go. I do not ever want to risk the parent taking them back home and the child becoming critical. One woman asked if I was giving her the money on a loan basis, I was pleased that she did not expect the handout. I of course told her no and that I just wanted her little boy to get better without her having to stress about finding the money. But sometimes people leave in a hurry without as much as a thank you, or even ask me to give them things while they are there. What do they think I am? Providing them medical advice and medication for pain or fever is not enough for them? It just gets exhausting.

The biggest thing that becomes exhausting is the lack of support from the organization. I am working for an organization that does not function. I understand the lack of funding, but there is no support or direction from the founder. He also does not keep a single promise that he makes to me. I do not doubt that his intentions are in the right place, but why did he even want me to come here? I cannot fix that people do not work and that community things do not function. I am a nurse, not a business manager. Working at the clinic does not help the organization in anyway. I have also had the stress of dealing with the director of this branch of the organization, in my whole time here, he is the first person I now refuse to work with. I do not trust him for a number of reasons and I do not wish to work with somebody I do not trust. If I did not love the village and the people around me, I think I would be looking for another placement. But I have decided a huge reason of why I came here was for the experience and what I will gain from the cultural experiences. I want to remain in this village for the rest of my time. Starting over will just put me behind on getting anything done. I have also been trying to work around this and work with places I know people must show up and I have translators, this is why schools and clinics are the best options. Hopefully with the help of some of the school girls I may be able to get some community work done as well. I am desperately trying to keep my head and up "just keep swimming."

After crying the third night in a row, after lying in bed for three days, and not being able to function like a normal human being, I decided I was going to give it one more month and if I still feel the same way, I am going home. This week has been the first time in my eleven and a half months were I said, "I want to go home." I figured this is not too bad considering the situations I have dealt with. When I got the call to come back to immigration (yes they finally approved my temporary residency permit! It only took them an hour to find the file that they at first claimed to have lost, but it is done!) I decided I am going to go and stay in Blantyre for three nights. I have an amazing group of coworkers (I promise they are better than the people you work with) that have sent me too much money and I can spend a few nights away and not worry about the costs. Thanks guys! I love you all!

During my state of lying in bed and not moving, I had a little knock on my door, it was Martha. I opened the door, happy to see her, and we went to lie in my bed together. She so sweetly asked me if Goose had come home yet (She really is not found of Goose, and is scared of her.). When I told her no. She said don't worry she is coming, she is probably just at the church. It was the sweetest thing for her to ask and try to reassure me, she knows I love Goose, and I think because Martha loves me, she feels the need to care about Goose as well. We ate some starbursts, read magazines, and practiced colors using uno cards. She stayed for about two hours, while she kept saying I am leaving, finally when it got dark she did run home. I love and cherish the times that I have alone with Martha, it is so funny the bond that we have despite not speaking the same language. I am getting better at Chichewa, and she is very sweet and understanding that I do not know too much. She does still talk quite a bit, but she knows to show me what she means if I am not getting it. She will also listen to me, I think just to hear me talk. I laughed out loud one day when I asked, should I have curry or stir fry for dinner. She screamed, "Stir-fry!" She does parrot me sometimes and it is rather cute.

The night I took the girls to the grocery, it was the day I had decided if I am not happy I will go home in a month. I know this will not happen, I do not want to leave feeling defeated, and really I do not want to go home. I was carrying Kate on the way to get the cokes, Clara and Debora were walking in front of us, holding hands. I thought, this is why I have to stay. My love for these girls is so overwhelming. I have been so lucky to get to know them all so well. Yes, some days they drive me crazy, Clara was doing a rather funny impression of me yelling at the to get out of my house the other day. I was over them that day, but she knew I was just in a bad mood, and it was of course not the kids that are usually over that were driving me nuts, it was some other ones. I love the way when I walk home from work or a trip to town they all run out and throw their arms around me to welcome me home. Martha and Kate have to constantly be held and sit very close. And one night while at Mary's house this week I was sitting with them helping pull corn off of the cobs so they can mill it into flour. It was a chilly night and both girls were sitting on either side of me very close, Linda was resting her head on my shoulder and Clara had her arms on my legs. I feel so apart of their family when I am there, it is the best feeling. I know that I am so cared and loved her, Goose is too by everyone that is apart of our lives. Everyday when Esther comes to bring me water she asks if Goose has come home. Both Agogos also ask everyday. They all always greet me in the morning and would greet Goose as well. It is just so sad that some people have to be assholes.

I know I will be fine and I will get over it. I sat at the bar last night and had such a great three to four hour conversation with a man from South Africa, he was around my dad's age. It was so refreshing to have a good conversation, I do not get this in the village, with both language and cultural barriers, it is nearly impossible. I also have a hard time relating to a lot of the travelers my own age, I think having an old soul has something to do with this. Plus most travelers are just annoying people. I have had some thoughts about doing a blog about how much I hate travelers and giving examples why. Maybe during my few days here doing nothing I will get bored and enlighten you how terribly annoying people are to me. Having a hot shower, running water, cold drinks, food cooked for me, and electricity have never felt so refreshing. I stood in the shower an extra long time. I can tell that I am worn out because I do not usually even appreciate these things when I have them. I do not care enough about not having them, the village life is not one that bothers me. I am pretty low maintenance. The hardest things are the isolation, and lack of food variety is getting to me lately. I could care less that my toilet is a hole in the ground or that I have to do things by candle light at night. I know Goose being gone has just stressed me out and highlighted every other problem, if she comes home I will be so relieved and will get through the next six and a half months just fine! I am really hoping she is just out getting pregnant, she was maybe acting like she was in heat. I have informed Agogo that they will be getting a kitten as a present if this is the case! I have decided in my desperation to offer a reward for finding and bringing her home. I am not wanting to do this because I know it will make her even more of a target for kidnapping hoping to get another reward. Sorry Goose, this may turn you into an all the time indoor cat. I am pretty sure this will make us both want to kill ourselves and each other. But it will be worth it to keep her safe.

I am going to leave you with some pictures of Goose and the night at Agogo's when she was playing with the kids after they had their cokes. It was the sweetest thing watching her play with them. Most adults here do not really engage with children in this way. They care for them, feed them, bathe them, hold them, but usually they do not engage, have many conversations, or play. The cokes turned the kids into little monsters, you can tell they do not get sugar or caffeine. It had a pretty immediate effect, they started sprinting and would scream, "Kendall!!" then just go into a fit of laughter. This night was definitely one that was needed. They seem to know just how to take care of me.

I had tried cleaning her face, I think she felt the need to return the favor. It made me laugh so hard.

Her personal training includes, when they stopped doing mountain climbers, she attacked. I think it was a good method.

Not wanting me to go to work and lock her up.

Martha doing her best to play nicely with her.

This is exactly how Martha feels about her.

And this.

Debora and Clara pounding the maize.

Kate and Martha giving it a go.

Nelly and Agogo dancing with the cracked out kids.

They were pretending to be grandmothers, it was so cute.

A failed adoption story and lately.

So I have not talked much about how I am open to adopting a baby while I am here. I am quite the baby person, I have been since I was a baby. In my first birthday home video I am carrying about three baby dolls, kissing them, and saying "baaaaabbbbbyyyy" over and over again. Well I still feel the same way about babies and kids. Being in a country like Malawi, the life expectancy is rather low. Many women die during childbirth, others shortly after, so many children are left orphaned. At first I thought, I need to go home with a baby, it needs to happen no matter what. As time has gone on, my viewpoint has changed. I feel that when it is right it will happen.

I have let several people know I am willing to take a child that needs a home. I had to make the part "that needs a home" very clear. Adoption is such a huge and sensitive thing. Especially going from Malawi to the States. That child is going to be essentially ripped from its culture, its extended family, and anything close to what life would have been with his/her mother. I do not take this lightly. Nor do I believe, that life with me because I am an American and have money (well relatively speaking, I really don't have anything, but that is ok) is a better one for the child. I have a strong belief that there is nothing wrong with being poor and raising children. As long as the children can eat, and feel love, you are doing a damn good job I think. Children here amaze (and several really grind on my nerves) me each day. There is something about the way they are raised to be independent and functioning members of society that I think most Americans miss when raising their children. I on a daily basis let four year olds help me start a fire, seven year olds take butcher knifes to cut things, and I know they will be fine. Also as infants these children never leave their mother's back, they moment they cry they are tended to (usually via boob in the mouth). So who am I to say that life with me, a young, single, working mom is better than one with your family (even in cases such as extended families). It is not. I have had one person approach me about a three year old who the mother no longer wanted to care for. I said no, one that child is three years old, why did you just now make that decision? How traumatic would it be for that child to be taken from the environment with her family and siblings just to go with me. I knew this was just the about the idea that the white lady was going to come take the kids and save them. I am not interested in that.

This week a different situation came up. Mary came to my house and said that Queen (her 16 year old niece) heard at school that a mother had thrown a baby into the toilet (remember here, the toilets are deep, around 12 feet deep, covered pits). The mother then left the baby and ran away. Within the hour another woman came along to use the toilet, she heard the baby crying and immediately notified the police. They retrieved the baby from the toilet and then handcuffed the mother. The mother claimed it was an accident and the baby was just delivered into the toilet, which was obviously not true, or she would have alerted somebody. When I went the next day to the police station to ask if they needed someone to take the baby while they figured out legal stuff. They said the mother was released with the promise that she would care for the baby. Sounds like a fool proof system to me! I went to speak to the mother at the clinic, with the hopes that she would surrender the baby to me. I felt that she clearly did not want to be a mother and that the safety of this child was at risk. The police man said, I would just have to get permission from her and the family and then there would be a process involved. When we got to the clinic we explained to the nurse why I was there. We then went to talk to the mother. I had learned the mother is a 17 year old orphan girl, her sister had been caring for them both since their parents had died. They gave me the baby to hold and asked what I thought, before they said a word to the mother or her sister. The moment I held that little 5 lb nut, I knew she was not mine. That was the only thing I could think, "This is not my baby." I had been in tears the whole day before, with overwhelming emotions at the possibility of becoming a mother, and walked faster than I ever had in my life to the clinic. But the second I held the baby, I knew it was not right. I knew that no matter what I would take her and it would be fine, if that is what the situation came to. When the nurse asked the mother if she wanted to keep her baby, the sister starting shouting and the grandmother looked very angry, the mother did not say a word. Even though I knew this was not my baby I felt the need to let the mother talk and to at least say why I had come. I requested that we go into a private room.

I carried the baby to the next room and then once the mom was seated I gave her back. I did not want her to have the impression that I wanted to take her baby. I explained to the family that I not there to take their baby against their will, I was only there because I felt this baby was in danger and the mother had clearly felt out of options so she threw her baby in the toilet. Therefor I wanted to provide them another option. The mom would not say anything, would not look at anyone, including her baby. I knew she felt guilty and that there must have been something she wanted to say, but with translation, I am not sure what was said and how it was said to her. When asked if she wanted to keep her baby she just said yes. Then the nurses asked me what I was going to do for the family. I said, "Well if the mother surrenders her baby to me I would be willing to help her with school if she wanted." Then I immediately said, "Do not tell her that though! I do not want her to think this is her only chance to go to school." I also had the feeling that they wanted to make other arrangements for me to basically buy the baby from them. I went on my little rant, "I said I am not here to buy a baby, I am not here to take anyone's baby. You are her mother, you know what is best for you and for her. If you wish to be a mother and will promise to love and care for your baby, I want nothing to do with it. Babies need to be with their moms if they are going to step up and be moms." I had a feeling the nurses had also been pushing her to give up her baby, that was also why I went on this rant. The nurses all agreed that what I said was right and if the mother was not going to give me her baby then it was fine. But the sister then said, "Well you can give us money, but we are keeping the baby." I thought, oh yes let me please reward you for throwing your baby in the toilet. That will be the new thing, if I throw my baby in the toilet the white lady will give me money. Well hell no. I said, "If I were to give you money, I would have to give everyone here money that has babies. I do not have money to simply give out. I am here on a volunteer basis and my money is out, I am having to borrow money just to stay." We finally all decided we were not getting anywhere so the mom and her sister left. I was told a few days later that the mother was discharged with her baby.

 I am also not sure how the adoption process here really works (I have looked at everything I can on the internet and have talked to people I know who adopted, but this is Malawi, pretty much some days things work, while others they do not. I have quite shitty luck here as it is.). I'm sure it would take forever and not be easy! I am still going with if it happens, it happens and I will figure it out, but I am not out actively searching. I am not sure what I would do if I had a child and they would not let it legally be mine and leave the country. Actually I am sure what I would do, I would get a job and live in Malawi until they finally gave up and gave me custody. This does not sound fun to me. I do not want to be a nurse here officially and do things their way, while living off of practically nothing every month. I have put in my time and am getting anxious to go home!

In other news I am going to start work at the Ntcheu district hospital on Friday. I had a meeting with the district health officer (I was dreading this meeting, she is one of my least favorite people.) she said, "I called you here because you said you wanted to come and learn some things on the peds ward." I quickly said, "I am not here to learn. I have been a nurse for four years, I have experience in a pediatric inpatient setting and also in Malawi. Yes there are things I am not comfortable with, such as reading doctor's writing, dispensing meds that I am not familiar with, and prescribing medications that I do not know. But quite frankly I do not wish to learn these things, I think a lot of them are not the way I would do things anyway. I came as a volunteer and to help, I wish to help out on the unit periodically, and help with things I know, and know well." She did not even look at me, just said, "Fine I will send you to talk to the hospital administrator." Well I am glad I met that man! He quickly became my favorite person. He gave me cold drinks and said I was very welcome there. He said we need you here, there are things we do wrong and there needs to be someone with different experience to teach us. I went on a rant about lack of nursing care I have seen and how simple early intervention can make the biggest difference! He agreed and said, well we just need to make sure we get documentation that you are a nurse. Once again I got pissed, I said, "I have sent that information three times to the DHO! I have also been registered in the country, my paper has been misplaced but if you call them I am sure you can verify that I have done orientation in this country." He got my information from my phone, because everything is America is online, and said he would call to verify. He also saw pictures of Goose and asked me about her and about my living situation. He said, "I cannot believe you live that way. I would never live like that, it sounds horrible." This made me laugh, I said, "Oh it is fine, I love living in the village, it is just Malawi that frustrates me. My new plan is to drink more and talk to people less." He laughed and said he would see me next week. On my way out he said, "Say hi to Goose." I then knew that he was a good person. Hopefully it all goes well on Friday! The peds ward is huge and full of lots of sick kids. I think I will have to use some good nursing skills, and hopefully teach the staff to use good nursing skills. I am hoping to be around nurses that actually care and are not just there for the salary! I am excited to see how it goes.

Ok I will leave you with pictures from my phone, and I really need to go to pick up my clothes and head home. No time for pizza (I am sure the tailor that said I had big hips, will be pleased that I will not be eating pizza.). I sat here waiting for the internet to come back for over an hour, this place has certainly taught me patience, but technology are my least favorite things to deal with, well next to the police station, DHO, and immigration office. I will make sure I have another glass of wine before going to immigration again this week. I also did not talk to anyone, and let the man that is working on it with me do the talking. I played on my phone and told myself it was not going to get done. I was right.

Sorry if you follow me on instagram, you have seen most of these pictures.

Getting my hair done, it looked like shit as you can tell that is the goal from the naughty looks on their faces. It also hurt more than necessary I think.

Goose has to be locked inside while I am gone now, she was kicked very hard several times by a teen boy while on the road. You better believe I screamed every profanity I knew at the boy, he went running and the whole village came running. She is fine, just not happy about her lock down.

Martha cutting potatoes with me.

Martha being a freak.

Martha being sassy.

Martha does not have warm fuzzy feelings towards Goose.

With a baby at under five clinic.

Martha, Kate, and Kate's mom. What she is holding is to pound the corn into flour. This is not easy work, I have done it.

Kids in my village now scream "Kendall jumbulia!" If anyone who speaks Chichewa ever reads my spelling, don't judge me! But it means take a picture. This has just started in the past week, but I have been taking a lot of pictures!

Sponsors for School Girls: I need your help!

Everyone keeps asking, "What can I do?" I have been doing some brainstorming and have been trying to come up with projects that I think will be worthwhile and also that will help some of the serious issues that I see happening all around me everyday. I have found that girls need a voice, they need empowered, they need education. So that is where my focus currently is. I have contacted a nearby secondary school (high school) and have asked them to identify girls that are vulnerable. The girls can be vulnerable for many different reasons; they have lost one or both parents, they come from large families, their families do not provide any support for school. What I have also learned is that when a family has boys and girls, they will typically only pay for boys to go to school. They see it as a waste to send girls to school.

Yesterday I met with these vulnerable girls, there were ten present in total. I told them why I had come and I also laid down the ground rules. I am all about tough love, if you know me well none of this will be a surprise to you. I told the girls, if somebody is going to send you money to go to school, you need to be grateful and you need to work. I do not like the culture of dependency that has been created here, and I do not support it. The rules I have are; they must maintain a %90 attendance rate, this includes missing school for funerals and for ill days. They must do 12 hours of community service per term of school (they have three terms of 12 weeks each). If failing a class they must seek extra help in this subject and put in extra study time (I was shocked to learn, not a single girl had passed last semester.). Their grades will be submitted to me at the end of every term and then sent onto their sponsor. They must also attend meetings with me, these meetings will be about grades, education topics important to girls (domestic violence, sex education, cultural practices, relationships), and community service activities. If they fail to do so throughout the term, they will be given one term of probation. During probation term if they are unable to fulfill requirements then sponsorship will be ended. The girls had many questions about these terms, they had a lot of questions about community service activities, I do not think they have ever been asked to give back before or show up and try. I hope I do not have to pull out my mean side and whip some girls into shape! But I am willing to do it, if it means they will get to finish their education.

Ok, the details: basically it costs a little over $12 dollars per month to sponsor a girl. The break down is: $15.85 for the first term of the year, $15.21 for the second term of the year, and $15.21 for the third term of the year. I had also decided an allowance of $10.15 per month is necessary to help the girls buy supplies for school and for basic living such as, uniforms, notebooks, shoes, pens, soap, and some food items. So how this would work is, you would send one term of fees at a time to me, so now this term has already begun, I would need the fees for the term as soon as possible, the cost per term will be $45.66, with the exception of the first term costing $56.45, this will include one extra month (to equal 12 months total) and the extra fees for the first term. I know this will all go smoothly while I am here and I have grilled them on how the money will be handled when I am gone, my worst fear is that somebody within the system will steal this money. There are a ton of great and trustworthy people here, but it is a country full of people living in the poorest situations and they will do what it takes to get ahead. They have assured me that the school account is closely monitored and it is where they receive all of their funding, I have also been assured I will get getting reports even while I am home.

What I want is one person, or several people, to commit to one girl throughout her secondary school education. So the girls that are currently in form 3 will need four semesters of funding total (if they pass each semester) and the girls in form 1 will need 10 terms total of support. I do not want a girl to get through one year and then not be able to return to school. This happened to my neighbor Mary, her parents were divorced and her mother was unable to send her to school so she relied on sponsors, unfortunately they either stopped sending money or that was taken by somebody, she is unsure but was not able to finish her education. She ended up quitting school and very shortly after became pregnant. I do not want these girls to be disappointed! So if you decide to sponsor a girl, you need to do so for her entire schooling, or it is up to you to find another sponsor to take over, you can also let me know if you have an unexpected situation and I will work to find somebody else as well. From the list of girls you are welcome to choose one, if that girl has been picked I will give you another choice. Also if you do not care which girl you sponsor but wish to be apart of the program let me know. If you wish to be apart of this program email me at kendallbeth2010@gmail.com. I hope to find sponsors for all of these girls and give them a brighter future!

Gloria Frank
Age 16
Form 3
Gloria has 2 brother and 2 sisters, she is the oldest sibling. She lives with her mother and siblings near the school, her father died when she was young.
Her favorite subjects are English and biology.
Her least favorite subject is social studies.
Her hobbies are playing netball and football, jogging, and dancing.
She hopes to become a nurse one day.

I want to brag on this girl, she is the only one of the group that understood everything I said and could translate it for everyone, I know she will be who I depend on through this whole process for help!





Mphatso Mojati
Age 17
Form 3
Mphatso is the  oldest of 6, she has one sister and four brothers. She is living in the hostel on campus because she has to travel far from home to attend school.
Her favorite subject is English and agriculture.
Her least favorite subject is Bible knowledge.
Her hobbies include, playing netball, cooking nsima, and reading the Bible.
She hopes to become a teacher one day.

Dorothy Limiton
Age 18
Form 3
Dorothy is the fourth born of six girls. She is from a town far away from the school, she has one other sister in secondary school.
Her favorite subject is physical science.
Her least favorite subject is English.
Her hobbies include, playing netball, jogging, and solving math problems.
She hopes to become a nurse one day.

Ruth Biliat
Age 17
Form 1
She is the baby and has three sisters and two brothers. Her two brothers are also attending secondary school.
Her favorite subjects are English and physical science.
Her least favorite is Bible knowledge.
Her hobbies include, playing netball, jogging, and solving math problems.
She hopes to one day become a police woman.

Pemphere Chimbadzo
Age 16
Form 1
She is the oldest and has three brothers. Her father died when she was young, she is living at home with her mother and siblings.
Her favorite subjects are physical science and English.
Her least favorite is social studies.
Her hobbies include, playing netball, reading the Bible, and dancing.
She hopes to become a nurse one day.

Ruthina Bonga
16 years
Form 1
She is the youngest of seven children. Both of her parents died when she was young, she lives with her older brother, all of her siblings live with other relatives.
Her favorite subjects are math and English.
Her least favorite is history.
Her hobbies include listening to music, playing netball, and jogging.
She hopes to one day become a teacher.

Elita Phiri
Age 16
Form 1
She is the 3rd born of eight children. Her father died when she was young. She lives with her mother and siblings. She has two brothers also in school.
Her favorite subject is English.
Her least favorite is physical science.
Her hobbies include, playing netball, dancing, and cooking.
She hopes to become a nurse one day.

 Faria Pembani
Age 16
Form 1
She is the youngest of four and the only child to go to secondary school. Her father died when she was young. She currently lives with her mother and siblings.
Her favorite subjects are English and physical science.
Her least favorite is history.
Her hobbies include, playing netball, dancing, cooking, and teaching small children.
She hopes to one day become a nurse.

Linda Abasi
Age 14
Form 1
She is the third born of six children. Two of her siblings are currently in secondary school. She lives at home with her parents and all of her siblings.
Her favorite subjects are English and geography.
Her least favorite are Bible knowledge and social studies.
Her hobbies include, playing netball, drawing, dancing, and singing.
She hopes to become a secondary school teacher one day.

Iyweni Flias
Age 15
Form 1
She is the third born of six children, none of her siblings are attending secondary school. She is living on campus in the hostel because he home is far from the school.
Her favorite subjects are English and math.
Her least favorite is Bible knowledge.
Her hobbies include, playing football (soccer for all of us Americans), cooking, jogging, reading the Bible, and solving math problems.









Two students there were absent are: Catherine Alexander, she is in form 3, and Salome Kahinduka, she is in form 1.

And here is the crazy bunch that with your help I will have the pleasure of getting to know and spend lots of time with! It sounds like we will have to do some dancing and jogging, maybe I will try netball too.

If you do not wish to sponsor a girl due to commitment, do not worry! I am working on more opportunities that can be one time give only, sort of things. My next goal is to get the preschool near my house running, they need a kitchen and bathroom built, I need the damn kids to go to school so they have something to do. I can fund the building of the bathroom and kitchen myself and I am trying to scheme something up to get a lot of volunteers to come get it done in one day. But after it is done I may need teaching materials, and paint to spruce the place up! I will keep you updated on this! There is also a school nearby that needs two classrooms built. I am going to investigate the cost and see if fundraising the money is doable. If you ever do wish to give me money to buy things for people/kids in the village or wish to send items please feel free to contact me. They always needs things like soap, toothbrushes, shoes, and clothes. I have not asked for these things, because I struggle with giving out materials on a one time basis, it is not sustainable, and they will want more things to be given all of the time. But it is helpful! I can always have a villager decide who the items should go to and not make it a public event as well! 

As for me, I love you all, but stop sending me things! I will be going home in less than seven months! Speaking of which, I was so graciously loaned the rest of the money needed for my stay by a family that is friends with my family. The amount of support I get is too much to handle sometimes! If you do want to give me personally something you may donate to the "Keep Kendall Semi Sane" fund. Proceeds from this fund will go to me getting out of the village about once per month. I tried to stay home for two months this stretch, but did not make it. It is hard! I had to go to Blantyre to work on my temporary residency permit (do not ask me how this is going unless I have at least three drinks in my system, which is only about once a month! Long story short I am currently still illegal in the country, let's hope I do not go to jail soon!) so I decided to stay one night, stuff my face and have some drinks. It was lovely. I of course have to go back and check on the permit again soon, I think I will also stay one night and stuff my face again, they even have a KFC! It is also good for me to get out every now and then because in the village I will go weeks without having a real conversation with anyone. Most people do not speak English and my Chichewa is not up to conversational standards, plus the culture is so different that we do not really care about the same things or have things in common to talk about. Even speaking to Malawians that live in cities is like a breath of fresh air. The more western culture is just needed for me to feel like I am having a conversation. On the bright side, I do talk to Goose and Martha about a lot of things. They both seem to understand. This is why there is now a "Keep Kendall Semi Sane" fund.

Well I am going to try to finish the last blog I was working on a month ago, go eat pizza, and go pick up my clothes from the tailor. I am not too confident in their skills, we shall see how the dress and swimsuit top look when I pick them up. When he went to measure me he said, "Oh big hips." I just replied, "Yes I am a curvy woman." It will not stop me from eating that pizza.