Wholeheartedly: The icing on a shit cake.

I have always been a lover of animals. My whole life we have had so many pets. In my adult life I have had Douglas, Rosie, and now Goose. If you have had one conversation with me you know about them, my animals are like children to me. They become one of the most important things in my life, I love and care so much about them. I think the almost three thousand dollars in meds and vet bills I spent on Douglas are pretty good proof of this. Living here, and not having a pet for so long was so hard for me. I spend so much time alone, and I knew having the company of an animal would make this much easier. I am a dog person, and have never been very attached to the cats I have had throughout my life. But I thought having a cat here would be much easier than having a dog, I would not have to worry about who would watch her when I leave or feel so guilty about leaving her for a few days. Cats are independent and can deal with it. I also did not anticipate that I would become so attached to the cat, I figured I would just leave her with somebody when I left. Well since about the second day I had Goose I realized I was wrong about how I would feel. She has the biggest personality and is just pretty darn funny. She is also very loving and rather attached to me. I have been shopping for cat airline carriers and doing my research on how to bring her home, it is safe to say I am attached to her also, this may be a slight understatement.

Well, this week has been my hardest one so far. I feel worn down and isolated more than the usual amount. On Saturday I went to town to do my normal shopping, I locked Goose in the house because I do not trust people in the village with her anymore. I have seen her kicked so hard by a teen boy, that I was sure she was paralyzed when she came dragging herself home. I also believe one night a while back she was taken by somebody, she came home after about 13 hours and smelt just like the bags they have at the grocery, they smell weirdly like the country of India, so it is a very distinct smell. I was also told that one time somebody else was kicking her when she was traveling up the road. She has been wandering more and is still not afraid of people like she should be, this is my fault for showing her too much love and security. When I came home on Saturday she did not run out the door like usual, she greeted me and ate some of the meat off of the chicken bones I brought her. Then she wanted out, so I decided I would let her out while I went to take my bath. Once I heard what I thought was her meowing, so I yelled her name, I was suspicious that somebody picked her up to take her. Whatever the situation she came sprinting home when I yelled. So I went to take my bath, I found her in the tree next to the yard, she refused to come down. I figured in the tree she is at least safe and she probably hunts from them at night. She was there even at four thirty when I woke up that morning (I know it is insane to wake up this early, I am definitely developing a village lifestyle in some ways). She did not come in to eat or drink, I figured out of rebellion and knowing I would lock her up. Well that is the last time I have seen her. I have been sick with worrying what might have happened. I would be able to cope if a snake, hyena, or dog even got and killed her. But to think that she would be mistreated by a person, taken, or even killed is the most upsetting thing to think about. It has made me not trust the people I am not close with, I also do not trust and have begun hating men. The drinking in the village is out of control, they are drunk almost everyday by even ten in the morning. The drunk men can become aggressive and just assholes who feel they gain power from hurting anything they believe is below them, this list includes; women, children, and animals.

That is the other thing that has worn me down; people. Just within the past two weeks or so people are now asking me for things constantly, and when I say ask it is more like demanding that I give it. Children now yell, "Give me your money!" Sometimes in English and other times in Chichewa. I have been in this village for almost seven months, why is this happening now? Drunk men are becoming more forward and teetering on the line of being aggressive towards me. I am anxiously awaiting the day one goes to grab me so I can just beat the shit out of somebody and feel better. I did have a man walk up to me and try to take my chintenje off from around my waist, the response he got was, "Don't fucking touch me." as I slapped at his hand. When men come by or to my house and are obnoxiously drunk I make sure to tell to leave and they are not allowed to be at my house or talk to me while they are intoxicated. I am not afraid of them, they do not have the balls to do anything to me, I am sure they suspect they would be in much more trouble than if they hit a village woman, and little do they know I would surely not sit still and take it the way women do here. Even the other day when I asked the girls to go with me to the grocery, I decided to treat them and get them each a coke. This is something I never do! The girls even know not to expect or to ask for things from me. I give the girls their cokes and adult women came over and started very aggressively telling me (in chichewa) to buy them cokes because they were hungry and their stomachs hurt. Well I have been lying in my bed depressed for three days and have barely eaten, when you do not have food it shows. These women each had about 30 lbs on me and what the hell is a coke going to do for you anyway? I was so angry at their aggression and asking me for things, I yelled at them that they were rude and I just took the girls home where we could drink our cokes without being harassed.

I have also been seeing sick children at my house daily, often they come as early as five thirty. I do not mind seeing these children and I have tylenol and ibuprofen I can give them, but I am not a clinic. I will say that most mothers are very grateful even for the advice to go to the clinic or if I tell them their child is too sick and they need to go to the district hospital, I always give them transport money to go. I do not ever want to risk the parent taking them back home and the child becoming critical. One woman asked if I was giving her the money on a loan basis, I was pleased that she did not expect the handout. I of course told her no and that I just wanted her little boy to get better without her having to stress about finding the money. But sometimes people leave in a hurry without as much as a thank you, or even ask me to give them things while they are there. What do they think I am? Providing them medical advice and medication for pain or fever is not enough for them? It just gets exhausting.

The biggest thing that becomes exhausting is the lack of support from the organization. I am working for an organization that does not function. I understand the lack of funding, but there is no support or direction from the founder. He also does not keep a single promise that he makes to me. I do not doubt that his intentions are in the right place, but why did he even want me to come here? I cannot fix that people do not work and that community things do not function. I am a nurse, not a business manager. Working at the clinic does not help the organization in anyway. I have also had the stress of dealing with the director of this branch of the organization, in my whole time here, he is the first person I now refuse to work with. I do not trust him for a number of reasons and I do not wish to work with somebody I do not trust. If I did not love the village and the people around me, I think I would be looking for another placement. But I have decided a huge reason of why I came here was for the experience and what I will gain from the cultural experiences. I want to remain in this village for the rest of my time. Starting over will just put me behind on getting anything done. I have also been trying to work around this and work with places I know people must show up and I have translators, this is why schools and clinics are the best options. Hopefully with the help of some of the school girls I may be able to get some community work done as well. I am desperately trying to keep my head and up "just keep swimming."

After crying the third night in a row, after lying in bed for three days, and not being able to function like a normal human being, I decided I was going to give it one more month and if I still feel the same way, I am going home. This week has been the first time in my eleven and a half months were I said, "I want to go home." I figured this is not too bad considering the situations I have dealt with. When I got the call to come back to immigration (yes they finally approved my temporary residency permit! It only took them an hour to find the file that they at first claimed to have lost, but it is done!) I decided I am going to go and stay in Blantyre for three nights. I have an amazing group of coworkers (I promise they are better than the people you work with) that have sent me too much money and I can spend a few nights away and not worry about the costs. Thanks guys! I love you all!

During my state of lying in bed and not moving, I had a little knock on my door, it was Martha. I opened the door, happy to see her, and we went to lie in my bed together. She so sweetly asked me if Goose had come home yet (She really is not found of Goose, and is scared of her.). When I told her no. She said don't worry she is coming, she is probably just at the church. It was the sweetest thing for her to ask and try to reassure me, she knows I love Goose, and I think because Martha loves me, she feels the need to care about Goose as well. We ate some starbursts, read magazines, and practiced colors using uno cards. She stayed for about two hours, while she kept saying I am leaving, finally when it got dark she did run home. I love and cherish the times that I have alone with Martha, it is so funny the bond that we have despite not speaking the same language. I am getting better at Chichewa, and she is very sweet and understanding that I do not know too much. She does still talk quite a bit, but she knows to show me what she means if I am not getting it. She will also listen to me, I think just to hear me talk. I laughed out loud one day when I asked, should I have curry or stir fry for dinner. She screamed, "Stir-fry!" She does parrot me sometimes and it is rather cute.

The night I took the girls to the grocery, it was the day I had decided if I am not happy I will go home in a month. I know this will not happen, I do not want to leave feeling defeated, and really I do not want to go home. I was carrying Kate on the way to get the cokes, Clara and Debora were walking in front of us, holding hands. I thought, this is why I have to stay. My love for these girls is so overwhelming. I have been so lucky to get to know them all so well. Yes, some days they drive me crazy, Clara was doing a rather funny impression of me yelling at the to get out of my house the other day. I was over them that day, but she knew I was just in a bad mood, and it was of course not the kids that are usually over that were driving me nuts, it was some other ones. I love the way when I walk home from work or a trip to town they all run out and throw their arms around me to welcome me home. Martha and Kate have to constantly be held and sit very close. And one night while at Mary's house this week I was sitting with them helping pull corn off of the cobs so they can mill it into flour. It was a chilly night and both girls were sitting on either side of me very close, Linda was resting her head on my shoulder and Clara had her arms on my legs. I feel so apart of their family when I am there, it is the best feeling. I know that I am so cared and loved her, Goose is too by everyone that is apart of our lives. Everyday when Esther comes to bring me water she asks if Goose has come home. Both Agogos also ask everyday. They all always greet me in the morning and would greet Goose as well. It is just so sad that some people have to be assholes.

I know I will be fine and I will get over it. I sat at the bar last night and had such a great three to four hour conversation with a man from South Africa, he was around my dad's age. It was so refreshing to have a good conversation, I do not get this in the village, with both language and cultural barriers, it is nearly impossible. I also have a hard time relating to a lot of the travelers my own age, I think having an old soul has something to do with this. Plus most travelers are just annoying people. I have had some thoughts about doing a blog about how much I hate travelers and giving examples why. Maybe during my few days here doing nothing I will get bored and enlighten you how terribly annoying people are to me. Having a hot shower, running water, cold drinks, food cooked for me, and electricity have never felt so refreshing. I stood in the shower an extra long time. I can tell that I am worn out because I do not usually even appreciate these things when I have them. I do not care enough about not having them, the village life is not one that bothers me. I am pretty low maintenance. The hardest things are the isolation, and lack of food variety is getting to me lately. I could care less that my toilet is a hole in the ground or that I have to do things by candle light at night. I know Goose being gone has just stressed me out and highlighted every other problem, if she comes home I will be so relieved and will get through the next six and a half months just fine! I am really hoping she is just out getting pregnant, she was maybe acting like she was in heat. I have informed Agogo that they will be getting a kitten as a present if this is the case! I have decided in my desperation to offer a reward for finding and bringing her home. I am not wanting to do this because I know it will make her even more of a target for kidnapping hoping to get another reward. Sorry Goose, this may turn you into an all the time indoor cat. I am pretty sure this will make us both want to kill ourselves and each other. But it will be worth it to keep her safe.

I am going to leave you with some pictures of Goose and the night at Agogo's when she was playing with the kids after they had their cokes. It was the sweetest thing watching her play with them. Most adults here do not really engage with children in this way. They care for them, feed them, bathe them, hold them, but usually they do not engage, have many conversations, or play. The cokes turned the kids into little monsters, you can tell they do not get sugar or caffeine. It had a pretty immediate effect, they started sprinting and would scream, "Kendall!!" then just go into a fit of laughter. This night was definitely one that was needed. They seem to know just how to take care of me.